Domestic violence: Who To blame

By Faith Ifeanyichukwu

It is no longer news that many women have lost their lives through domestic violence. 

Most people go into marriage without having the details of what marriage is all about and as a result of that could not endure what they see in it.

Who is to be blame for domestic violence, the man or the woman? 

A lot of actions by both man and woman causes domestic violence which included lack of understanding among couples, lack of patience, tolerance, lack of communication and dialogue among couples to settle their  marriage problems.

Also misguided utterance, infidelity, use of abusive words and gullibility in the part of the women, are factors that drive domestic violence.  The more we try to put the blame on the men folk, the more we will continue to turn blind eyes to the fact that many women are the cause of the domestic violence we see today. This is because we fail to understand some important aspects of how most men are created.  Some women also cause  violence by using abusive words and misguided utterance that can provoke the men. Nevertheless, no matter how provoked a man is, he should never raise his hand to beat his wife because any man that beats his wife is a beast.  Men should desist from beating their wives, but see them as co-creators, help mates and friends, so we can build a team-central family, society and country.

Meanwhile, some women shared experience of domestic violence.

Mrs. Chioma Ifeanyi (not real name), a trader, gave detailed account of what she suffered in the hands of her husband. A few months after my marriage, I was expecting my first child when my husband unleashed the demon in him and started beating me up for no serious disagreement even with my pregnancy; unfortunately, I lost the pregnancy because the baby died in my womb.  I took in again, he continued with his beating on any slightest provocation.  I tried to hide it from my family, but when I could not take it any more I had   to open up to them after he beat me up 3 months after having my baby.  I found out that he does not care for me and my baby, I don’t know what he does with his money anytime I demand for money for the family’s upkeep, he picks up a fight.  I have spoken to him about his actions, but seems I was pouring water on the stone. I was ready to leave the marriage but with the intervention of his family and my family, I had to give it a second chance and since then he has changed.  “He no longer raises his voice at me and has not bit me but if I see again any trace of violence, I am off, nothing will stop me, she stated”.

Again a tailor who pleaded anonymity explained what she passed through in her marriage and she is enduring all because of her three children.  She said her husband beats her on any slightest provocation, in fact after beating her, he must sleep with her not minding her tears, she is always afraid when her husband is around.

According to her, the man does not provide for the family, she does yet the man is not happy and the most annoying one is that whenever he sees any man in her shop, he will beat her, even in front of the man and lock up her shop and all these have been going on and she has nowhere to go but endure it because of children, she stated.

Furthermore, a woman told a story of how she lost her teeth,  she said that she pleaded her husband to be a little romantic in their sex life and not jump in her to satisfy his self and instead of taking correction gave her a blow and she lost her tooth.  This and more are what women are passing through in the hands of their husbands.

I made effort to find out from some men on the reason why they beat up their wives, the most reasons they give is that my wife is a nagging woman, she denies me of my conjugal right (sex), she talks while  I am talking, lacks respect and home training  and all that.  It is totally unacceptable for a man to bit a woman no matter her offence, what stops you from taking a walk, you are free to leave her if truly she is the cause of the problem, but beating her is not the right thing to do because once you hit her the case can never be to your favour, not to talk of beating a pregnant woman, of course it is attempting murder.  Only weak men beat women.

A strong man understands what it means to walk out of provocation but  a weak man will attack.

It is also known that most women in abusive marriage knew about such tendencies by their men more often than not their partners must have beat them before marriage.  The part I don’t understand is why such women cry when the beating continues in marriage.  If a man is beating you during courtship, he may likely not change.  It actually got worse.

For domestic violence to be reduced in our society to the barest minimum, every couple most understand that it takes two to tangle and dialogue should be explored to resolve family issue.