Marriage counselors can be a huge help for couples going through challenges. But there are some things they wish you knew before you ever stepped foot in their office. There are plenty of myths out there—about both marriage and marriage counselling—that can prevent you from getting the most out of your sessions. So, it’s best to get a little bit of education and do a little bit of work before you start seeing a professional. With that in mind, here are some of the secrets that marriage counselors wish you knew.
1.There is no such thing as being “right” in marriage.
In marriage, there is rarely a right and a wrong party—there are just two different perspectives, explains Rabbbi Shlomo Slatkin, MS, LCPC, founder of The Marriage Restoration Project.
“This doesn’t mean that your point of view is invalid; it means accepting that their point of view is also valid,” he says. “Honoring each other’s differences is what makes relationships work.”
When your partner has an “intense reaction” to something, Slatkin says to try to recognize the root of the situation and to not take it personally. “Just have some compassion, wait until things calm down, and debrief,” he suggests.
3.Listening leads to understanding.
There are times in a relationship where each spouse feels like the other is on a totally different planet, and “you just can’t seem to understand where he/she is coming from,” says Slatkin.
However, instead of dismissing your significant other’s concerns, listen deeply to what they are saying. “The truth is that if you listen long enough, everyone makes sense,” Slatkin explains. “If you get curious enough to explore where your spouse is coming from, you’ll discover the meaning of what he/she is really saying.”
“Strife in a relationship is never pleasant,” says Slatkin. “But when you realize that conflict is growth trying to happen, you can view it as an opportunity.”
Areas of repeated conflict are also those in which you and your spouse still have the ability to learn and deepen your relationship. Slatkin urges couples to “stop being defensive and see what you can do to change.”
5.Love has to be shown, not just felt.
Love is not just a feeling, it’s also an act, says Slatkin. “To love your spouse is to perform ‘loving’ acts and is not limited to an emotion,” he explains.
Even if you aren’t feeling “in love” like you once did, that’s no reason to cease “loving” your spouse. In addition to fulfilling your vows, doing so just might reignite a dimmed spark. “The very act of giving can reawaken those dormant feelings,” Slatkin explains.
